I CAN’T HELP but feel a little abandoned. They are not going to try any harder to help me? Our survival rests all on my shoulders? What kind of crap is that?
Look, I get it; I’m awkward, and I will be the first to admit it. But Monster has been a Redeemed a lot longer than me, and he has already EATEN other members of this group. I can’t help but feel abandoned.
They have taken me in and taught me what I am, and now I need guidance, and they are turning their backs on me.
Something in the air changes. The breeze lessens intensity.
‘See, this is what they do.’
The voice seems to come from nowhere. It laughs quietly.
I look for it. I am near a lake. The water is as black as night. The surrounding grass is blood red. The sun is yellow and crisp in a clear grey sky. I am truly no longer in the wasteland.
Ripples move about in the air.
“Where are you?” I ask.
‘All around you.’ The voice replies.
The sharp, dark branches of the black trees stab the sky like knives; every leaf is red. The buds of flowers are red.
WITHOUT THINKING, MY FEET MOVE
‘That’s right, go take a look. You’re getting warmer.’
I am at the black lake’s shore. I peer into the mirrored surface of the rippled water.
There are two of me staring back. One wearing the Hawaiian shirt, the other all in black.
‘Hello there.’ The voice comes from the other me’s face.
He winks and seems really pleased with himself.
“It’s you.” I say.
‘No, it’s you.’ He replies.
“How do I know this isn’t a trick?”
‘To what end? I am you; you are me.’ He says.
The water moves; there is something under the surface. I step back.
‘Wait, don’t go.’ He says.
Too late, I’m running away from here. I’m getting nowhere. The land is stretching. I can’t get away.
The ground feels like dirt and cedar chips, not exactly ideal for running while wearing sandals.
‘He’s not going to chase you.’ The voice says.
I turn towards where it came from. It’s me, dressed in all white: white jeans, a white T-shirt, and white shoes.
‘I’m not going to chase you either.’ He says, in a matter-of-fact kind of way.
“What do you want?” I ask, catching my breath. Wait, I don’t breathe that way anymore.
‘Hey, look at that, you figured it out. We are in the third consciousness.’ He says.
“What’s that?”
The voice of the first one in black interrupts us.
‘A union of more than one mind in a joined reality.’ He says.
I didn’t see him come up. He is just there, among the dark trunks of the black trees.
“Why do you look like me?” I ask, staring at them.
The one in white has his hair tailored so perfectly. I could never get mine to do that. I guess I would have to brush it and stuff.
The one in white steps closer to me, and his smile fades.
‘We are you.’
I think about it for a moment.
“You said this place is created through the joining of our three minds. If you’re me, how could we be three minds?”
The ‘me’ dressed in black steps away from the tree, and I think his smile is creepier than mine.
‘What makes you think we can’t have our own spirit? Do you know how infinite the soul is? Think about the first humans to die and go to heaven. The little tech elves were like, Hey, how was life? All they could say is, I didn’t get to do this, and I couldn’t experience that.’
The one in white interrupts us.
‘The God-Head tore the souls into slivers so that you can experience everything all at once. There are infinite YOUS out there, experiencing everything you can imagine so you can grow.’
The darker-dressed me is closer now.
‘We are not that. We are you.’
The one in white comes closer.
‘I am who you are when you smile and wave at people.’
The dark one grins wider.
‘I am you when you have to be assertive and say NO.’
“So one good and one evil, like the cartoon angel and devil who sit on your shoulders and whisper to you?”
‘NO.’ They say in unison.
I throw my arms up and shake my head in frustration.
“I don’t understand.”
The one in black with the slicked-back hair points at me.
‘I am your forceful, and he is polite. When you need us, we are here. I’m the one who gives you the balls to defend yourself, and he’s the one who makes you help people.’
“So which one is good and which is evil?”
The one in white shakes his head.
‘Oh, no, honey. It doesn’t work that way. Think of us more as spheres of energy. Neither is good nor evil. Do you think you could use light energy to inflict harm? Or use dark energy to talk to a child? Light and dark are needed in everyone; it is what creates balance.’
I think about what they are saying. They are not attacking me right now, so that’s good. Also, I am aware they can tell what I’m thinking because they are reacting with nods and smiles.
‘We share the same mind.’ The light one informs me.
“So balance. Good enough to love, dark enough to fight?”
I’M STANDING IN THE ORANGE SUNLIGHT
My Ghouls faces are almost touching mine. I turn and look at them. They begin to back away. They have taken on my traits: all those smiling faces.
My steps are heavy and purposeful. I find the Cowboy, standing near a hillside overlooking the misty wasteland.
“Yer back from the third consciousness, I reckon.”
How did he know?
“You got that first date glow.” He replies.
I don’t know how to respond to that.
“Th-thank you?”
The Cowboy turns his head and makes eye contact with me. He smiles and pats my shoulder.
“See, and you were worried. I knew you would understand.”
I don’t know why, but I feel defensive.
“You were worried. That’s why you’re over here alone, staring off and doing that Cowboy thing you do?”
“Livin? Ya got me. Yes, I was worried. You are my friend. I love you, and I am strong enough to admit it. What do ya get ta say to that?”
Did he just say he loves me? Don’t cry. Come on, Boogeyman, keep it together. If you cry, the Cowboy is definitely going to make fun of you. (Or try to have sex with you.)
“Well, I love you too.” I hugged him. He hugged back.
Like most men, we couldn’t look each other in the eye when it ended, but we knew how we felt. I’m not going to lie; when we met, I thought I would have to fight him. He might be the best friend I ever had.
Before the nukes fell and the earth was healthy(er), I had no one. I lived alone. I need you to understand what that means. I ate alone. I woke up alone. I laughed at movies alone.
Every moment was spent by myself. My mom was gone. My siblings lived far away. My clients were always at arm's length. I had no boys. I had no girlfriends. Work and home were the same place.
My dad always kept me away from everyone. I heard him say to my sister that he was protecting the world from me. I don’t know what he meant.
I was always polite. I tried to do what was expected of me. For some reason, I scared people. I was just me.
The Demon, entered our little area, overlooking the wasteland. I thought about telling her how I feel about her.
“Demon? You scare me a little.”
She looks at me. I smile at her, and she smiles back. WOW! She smiled. It is a truly frightening experience, and I want it to stop, but she smiled.
With all of that out of the way, I need to focus. I know now that if I am going to beat Monster, I have to use both sides of me. I have to be dark enough to fight him and light enough to save him and the people he ate.
Yeah, that’s right, I have been thinking about them. I think I can do it. I’m going to pull an old story out about an old god named Cronus.